I was driving home tonight from Church (at 2:30am) and I was thinking as I was cruising down the open stretch of I90/94 here in Chicago. I was thinking, "wow, I'm content here."

Now don't hear me wrong. I'm not ready to settle down here in Chicago - far from it. But I am content. I've been thinking about Paul who was once named Saul quite a bit lately. Maybe it's because my brain has been so tuned to my favorite book Galatians, but for whatever reason, I've just had him on the brain. As a result, it has occured to me that like Paul, I too am in my learning phase. I'm away from all that I know, and set apart to learn how to do the ministry that Christ has called me toward.

I'm to the point where I can see myself looking back fondly on my time here in Chicago. I think tonight was the first time that I've come to that realization. I have not forgotten how much of a struggle this has been by any means. But for the first time, I'm seeing the sum total as a good thing. This place will ultimately have a really sweet place in my heart, after all there have been a lot of firsts accomplished here:

1. My first apartment (not a dorm, or living with a family) was here.

2. My first experience living a long way from home - further than I can drive by myself in one day.

3. My first apartment as a married man.

4. Where I spent my first year as a married man

5. My first time being in a REALLY big city for any extended period of time.

6. My first time living somewhere away from the people I know, and know me.

7. My first time buying my own car from a dealer

Believe it or not,

8. This is the first time I've ever worked with a Youth group I wasn't in.

I like Skokie. I like being across the street from the Crafty Beaver hardware store, the Aldi, and the Market Place (which sells produce and ethnic food, you know, whole pickled pig's heads, sheep hearts, etc.). To walk through our Fresh market, is to walk into a whole new world. I like having an alley on two sides of me. There's something sinister about the alley - abandoned shoes hanging from telephone lines, old plastic bags blowing through the poorly lit throughway. The alley is home to the street urchin kids, rats the size of small dogs, dirt, and soot. The alley's aren't clean and they aren't quiet, but among the dirt, animals, eastern european shouts, and honking horns, there is a charm about it that evades the main streets where the people walk.

I do not like the Gang that lives and operates on my block. I do not like seeing Latin kings tagged on my storage doorway, or the knowledge that the little hoodlums like to go meander up the back steps of our apartment in the summertime to sit on the roof of my unit. But nothing is perfect, especially not home, and especially not in this fallen world.

Anyway, I like where I live. I like my home. I love my wife, and all in all, this has been a really great first year of marriage. I know Paul suggested to not get married, and in retrospect, I can see why he was saying that, but if it weren't for misti I'd be a wreck in the ministry to which I would be assigned. I am big fan of marraige if you ask me.

Joel, I believe you and Erin just recently passed up half a year already. Congrats. I hope you both continue to have a wonderful first year! It's nice to have someone else get married right around the same time as you. It's exciting to have someone else as a peer in that particular way.

With thanks to Pillar

I learned something new today. Well, maybe that's an overstatement - more correctly, I remembered a very important thing today that had been sitting on my heart for the last couple of weeks or so. It's about love, so be prepared.

the last couple of nights I've been trying to finish the book, Red by Ted Dekker. Without giving too much away it's a series (Black - fall, Red - Salvation, White - heaven) about salvation history, just put into a different light. It's easy to follow, and has been a REally interesting read. With that said however, I've been having a tough time finishing this book. I don't know why, I just have been. Now, as I was sitting around the house today on my day off, doing very little productive work, but thinking none the less and I was hit by something we were looking at over the bible study I've been leading with my HS Junior Fella's, Gal. 2:20.

Something about that verse was really sticking in my head and I couldn't place it so I sat and contemplated until I saw what the Lord was trying to tell me. Turns out, he was telling me the same stuff that I'd been hearing from him for some time now: keep working to worship. I don't know if this makes sense at all, but I'm telling you what... that's the kind of word that makes my heart rejoice. Here's how I got there:

1. I have been crucified with Christ
2. I no longer live this life in the flesh
3. I now live by faith in Christ (the son god, who gave himself for me)

Man. He really gave himself for me! He really died so, that I can live with him. I realized that MY life is a crucified life; my heart is Christ's alone! If I'm anything else, I'm not living the life that I've been given to live. It's dawning on me that there is no middle ground, there is no lukewarm, there is no safety. There is crucified or not. There is worship or there is not.

Well, for anyone reading this and not able to comprehend a thing I'm saying, don't worry about it. You're not alone. I don't quite have it nailed down myself. Right now, the thought balloons are still floating in the air. I see what they are, and I see the strings and how they probably relate to each other, but I don't quite have them tied down to the ground yet. Anyway, thanks for getting me thinking Pillar. At least if I'm not going to be doing anything terribly productive, I can think on the excellencies of God!

with you here...

Last night was the hallmark sanctioned Valentine's day holiday. It's the kind of thing that I generally avoid with ninja-like stealth. However, this year we celebrated our valentine's day on valentine's day for one very important reason: Misti won't happen to be here for our Valentine's day, which, as it so happens is why I'm writing this blog.

I miss my wife. I realize I feel this way every time she leaves for anything she has to go to. But, it's lonely coming home to a warm, but empty apartment. I'm used to her, shuttling around the apartment like a patriot missle hunting down a SCUD. I'm used to her opening the door when I come home and giving me a kiss, or a hug, or telling me the crazy thing that happened to her on the way to market... even when she's mad at me when I walk in the door, at least she says my name and hello (even if what follows isn't very enticing). But now the apartment is just empty. It's silent here, and unlike Jonesy I don't play WoW, so I can't fill my time with that.

It's a starke reality to find out that you've come to depend on someone else for even the smallest inconsequential things, like greeting me when I come to the door. I pulled out dinner tonight Tater Tots, Seasoned french fries, peas, and two pre-marinated chicken breasts. I don't have the desire to do something exciting like cook a meal that I'd be proud of, or that even would provide proper nutrition. I really miss my wife.

For years, my mom used to freak out when my dad would go out on buisness trips. She'd lock all the windows and doors, stay up until all hours of the night, not let myself or my sister leave the house or spend the night out at a friends house. I never understood why she'd go so nutso when he'd leave, but I think now I can understand it. Misti's gone on trips to visit her family a number of times since we've been married, and being alone never gets any easier for me... quite the opposite, the longer I know her, the more I miss her. My parents have been married for more years than I can recall and it makes sense to me how attached my mom is to my dad, I hope I don't make my kids stay home with me, but I also hope I never get comfortable with my wife being gone.

I heard a song on my Itunes that pretty much sums it up. It's by Nickel Creek off This Side, the song is called "Hanging by a thread" (incidentally, this is an excellent CD to anyone who appreciates Nickel Creek). Though the whole song really resonates with how I'm feeling, the chorus in particular gets down to the point. With you here, baby I am strong, no sign of weakness. With you gone, baby I am hanging by a thread.

I sure do miss my wife.

Did I start speaking Chinese and not realize it...

I was trying to write an email to a couple of friends of mine yesterday, and I retried it today. Actually, if I'm going to be completely honest I've tried writing it 5 times now in the last 6 days. I don't exactly know when it happened but somewhere down the line, I started speaking a language that no one other than myself can understand. I write in this language, and think in this language and as a result I stand alone with this language like a foriegner in a foriegn land. For the first time in my life, I can begin to relate to people who come to america and can't speak the language well. I understand now how so many really smart people are labled incompetant, simply because they don't speak in a way that the masses are willing to listen to.

It is a difficult revelation to find out that you can no longer have an intelligent conversation with anyone because what you think is reasoned, succinct, and understandable, is in all actuality jumbled, convoluted, and overdrawn. My comments are laughable to my friends here and though none of them know they are doing it, they disregard my thoughts on many of the important discussions which proceed from their mouths. It seems the harder I try to make my thoughts fit into the current molds around me the more convoluted they become. Maybe these conversations aren't all that important in the long run, but right now they seem to be pretty important so it hurts to not have a valid input.

Never in my life have I felt dumber than I do now. I read scholarly books and understand what they're saying momentarily then I'm lost again. I'll read and read and have no idea what they're talking about 3 pages later. Mist tries her best to help me out but I don't think she fully understands how compounded this problem has become. There is no one I know who speaks my language or even comes close to understanding what I'm trying to say. I feel like I've got something wrong with me, and instead of getting better, I'm just progressively getting worse and worse. I'm looking at all these situations where I've been misunderstood, misinterpruted, or outright dismissed, and at first it's easy to say, "yeah... for some reason they just don't validate my opinion... they're so closeminded to change" but then at some point, I have to start looking at the common denominator - me. Maybe it's not them that has the problem, but it's me.

It's been a while since I've wanted to become a hermit, but I've got to admit, I'm getting close again. I'm concerned that I've got nothing to offer this world, that I'm 27, in the prime of my life and have nothing of consequence that is useful to this world, or at the very least this country. I'm sure that's not true, I'm sure the Lord will use me to do immeasurably great things, but after so many years of stumbling through life, waiting for that time when He chooses to use me, I've become discouraged, and I long for the time when He sets me apart for Himself to do all that he has created me to do. My only hope now is in the knowledge that he used Gideon to defeat the Midianites against all odds, He sustained David and protected Him from Saul's army, He gave Peter all he needed to lead the fledgling church when Christ left, and He's gotten me this far (though I don't know how).