Here's looking at you pig.

Last night, my wife and I were sitting down to a spot of lunchish dinner and discussing our meals for the week, when we made the decision to visit the grocery store for some shopping (I say we because it too makes me sound clever and surprisingly responsible... though rarely, can I admit to suggesting such practical things, like, let's just say... grocery shopping when we run out of food, or even doing laundry before I'm out of clothes). In case you didn't know, this area (as are most areas close to Chicago and not the Northern Suburbs) is very ethnically diverse. This is part in parcel why I'm telling this story.You see, one thing you might not expect to see in the average meat dept. of your average grocerystore might be along the lines of bagged whole squid. Not completely outrageous but slightly out of the norm. Maybe you live in a really greek neighborhood and that's really actually pretty common.Ok... fair enough. But maybe you'd be a little wierded out if you were walking that same aisle and saw a bag of pig innerds sitting next to the pig liver, and just two spots away from the Hooves and hearts."What do you mean uncommon? I see that at my grocery store everyday." you say.Wow... that's pretty diverse for sure. But I know for sure what I'm about to say is off the wall because... well, frankly it's just really gross! Folks, there in front of me sat multiple skinned, de-toothed pig heads (don't worry... that marbley eye was still in tact staring right at me...)I must say my better sensibilities told me to keep walking but, somehow I just couldn't resist asking Misti the question... "why would you leave the eye?"Disgusted she turned to the frozen case across the aisle and said, "hey we could just go ahead and by rabbit instead of pork tonight." Tempting as it was, our budget did not allow for a 5 dollar hunk of rabbit for stew, though I'm sure it would have been dillectible. And people say southerner's eat strange things.
Seriously, what's a little road kill possum stew among friends? Is that so wrong?

Shea


PS: as for my last blog about computer stupidity -- I have had the last laugh... bwa ha ha!

Technical Difficulties

Apparently my technical capabilities aren't what I'd like to think they are as, I've tried three times now to put a picture up on this thing... And though as seemingly easy as this task should be (I believe a monkey could do this if given proper incentive) I can not seem to make this function work properly. What a truly sad thing. Anyway, today's been pretty innocuous so far, nothing major has really happened nothing out of the ordinary, however, I might try and make a change to that by causing a little trouble today. I'm not sure what I'll do, but I think I'm going to do something mischievous. Alright, I'm spent... Time to work on the 500 pages of back reading I need to get done in the next two weeks.

Sleep... who knew how good it could be?!

I must say, sleep does a body good. There's something to be said for the great deal of energy that surges through my veins as soon as good rest comes my way. It's like I'm getting the energy of weeks and months previously lost, back into my body. It's absolutely wonderful!
To give a slight update on my dear wife and the situation from before, I've found out that as usual, I was incorrect in my assessment. I wasn't far off, but I was off none the less. Turns out she's just feeling a little down in the dumps (well, she was). I think that a good bit of the dumps were caused by an overestimation of all that she should have gotten done. Meaning, when she didn't succeed in doing it, she felt let down and disappointed. She's such an interesting woman, and I'm finding out more and more how wildly fantastic and diverse my lack of knowledge concerning her really is. I must admit it's somewhat invigorating getting to explore the depths of her heart and mind, searching and finding out so many new things that I'd never even considered.
Finally, I must confess my spiritual life has been abismal since the week before my buddies came for the bachleor party. I'm talking nearly a month and half... maybe two, of just dry bones baking and bleaching in the desert sun. Over the last week I've begun to sense this desire to seek the word, and as the week has gone on the desire has strengthened and grown to the point that all day yesterday, I wanted to not do the things I was supposed to do and just spend the day with God. Forget church! Forget my Meetings! Forget my training! Just read, pray and study; study, read and pray... then I remembered those are all responsibilities I promised and they (the meetings) look forward to every sunday. Well, the long and short of it, is that I did it anyway, I just took Paul (my 12 o'clock) along with me.
All day today I've been yearning to understand why I don't pray, and I came back to this Idea of, "I don't pray because I'm afraid God will fail to come through, and I'm afraid what that will do to me... and what's more, I'm afraid he may actually answer me, and I won't know what category to put that in -- a GOD WHO LISTENS, then actually ANSWERS BACK!!!" And as I wrestled with it, I came back to the first desire of my heart -- God's Word! Jn 15:5-8 [I'm not going to quote the whole thing] "If you remain in me and my words in you... everything you ask for will be given to you... because it will bring Glory to God." I'm not sure if that's the exact quote I don't have a bible near me, but that's the essence of it. When I know and am bathing in god's word like it's a bath full of heavenly water than the very things I ask for will be the very things that God WANTS me to have. I won't ask for things that don't matter to Him because they ultimately won't matter to ME!!! But to do that I HAVE TO remain in HIM... and His WORD must DWELL in ME!!!
I know it's stupid and simple, probably as basic as the cross itself, but it's what I needed to hear and it excites me greatly to know that even in my disobedience God is faithful, and He is personal... not allowing me to stray so far from him that I'm left with nothing to give to anyone, and nothing to draw on even from myself. I do Love the Lord!

you are WELCOME.

I'm in a bit of a silly mood today. You must understand that after what happened last night, I'm sleepy-- thereby, silly... "why so sleepy?" you must be muttering to yourself. Well I'll tell you, it's because misti and I got into it last night (and I don't mean Pajamas). We had a bit of very intense fellowship, and as a result there would be no sleep for yours truly (despite my best efforts to do so.) The only actual bit of comforting information I received was that of Misti Lynn who later confessed to me that she didn't sleep either.
I know you may be saying to yourself, "now Shea that doesn't sound so caring and nice." And you're right it doesn't, however, the fact that she couldn't sleep either says a lot about how she much she does care for me, and for now at least, while we're still incapable of good sleep after a fight, I'm appreciating every moment of it. I don't think it's very often in the life of the marraige that a man (myself) can find such a beautiful light in such a bad situation. Only now, at the beginning is that possible (or at the very least instinctual). Anyway, in case you hadn't already guessed things have gotten significantly better. By the time the sun began to shine I had worked through some issues in my own mind that had been brewing for some time and finally just came to a head. It was acually a pretty cool experience all told.

I'm also a bit silly because all day today, I worked alone in the bathroom at Trinity. Sure, sure, some of you may consider that to be abnormal behavior only suitable for bathroom attendants and people who like the smell of their own farts, but tis true, I too worked all day in the bathroom. Well, I'm off.

Shea

today is going to be a long day...

What an interesting day today has turned out into being, and it's only just begun. It is now 9:11 am and I've been up tossing and turning in my sleep since misti left at 6. I had an awful dream about Misti and I, that I just won't get into now, as a public Blog may not be the most appropriate place to air my concerns, but it left me not in a cold sweat, but just cold. I felt used up and alone, frightened in a way I can't remember being frightened like since I had that dream a month before we got married. I called Mist and I think I'm not as frightened as I was a little while ago, but I'm still snotty and I wish she didn't have to be at work right now, so I could really talk to her about it and not just write it down on some silly blog. I am meeting with Andy at 12:45 to pray about this though, and I think that's encouraging me a great deal.
I don't know if it's normal to feel this way, but I've missed my wife lately. Even when she's here she's been far away. She still laughs at my jokes and she still talks to me, but she doesn't get excited to hear from my heart, and if I'm really being honest, I think I'm afraid to tell her about my heart anymore, because she is so far from me. I think I expected big fights in our first year of marraige, I dont think I expected this protracted war of attrition. I'm glad we're going to talk tonight, because i don't know how long I can go on like this.
I have a feeling tonight's conversation is going to go something along the lines of, "I dont' think you're doing a good job of leading me spiritually, of challenging me in my walk with the Lord, and that makes me want to pull away from you." To which, I will swallow whole, feeling like an abject failure, and say, "How then can I help lead you spiritually, what do you want from me?" to which she will say, "you can't do anything to make me have a better walk with the Lord. I don't know shea... I don't know what you can do." From here, I will ask a series of questions to her, hurt though I am, and she will share with me something that's at the tip of the iceberg, but is all the further she can go. She'll cry with tears, and I'll cry without tears, crying deep in my soul to just once feel like I'm doing a great job at being a husband. I probably won't sleep well, because that's how I cry (externally), and in my insomnia I will be accused of the lies I've told myself for years, and which the slightest miscues of life scream and rail against me all over again. That's what I have to look forward to tonight. So, if anyone's out there reading this please pray for me tonight, I think it will be a long one.
Shea

a fairy tale - the story of the princess

Once upon a time in a kingdom far north of the center of the world there lived a man and a woman married and in love. Unlike many fairy tale lovers, they were not wealthy or with great means, but where love was concerned they were in want of nothing. They lived a happy life for years and years resting on the joy of their love, trusting in it, from the moment they began, to heal their hearts of the years of resentment and anguish they suffered at the hands of a cruel and evil world.
You see, before they stole away and married in secret, there were those who had dared to drive them apart, and one day had almost achieved the sinister goals to their vile plans. They did so because these evil ones could not (nor can not even now) stand the sight of true love peering through the darkness, like how the sun breaks through the clouds in strong beams of light on an overcast afternoon in the land by the sea. In those days the beautiful maiden was a princess, the crown jewel of her land, and the star that shined the brightest even among her own family.
There she sat, in those olden days, high upon her throne of gold and diamonds, a princess greater than all the gathering masses, head strong dukes, foriegn kings and Oriental dignitaries who moved and shuffled through the halls of her father's great courtyard and colonade just in short to take one look upon the mere cloud of her winters breath, or the briefest siloutte skirting across her shut window.
Her beauty was known throughout the land and men would speak of her like a wild beast running through the forests, unseen by human eyes, yet known to all; peaceful enough to touch, but deadly if one were to get too close. Men were afraid of her and with good reason, for though her beauty and her outward demeanor was kindly and sweet, innocent and soft, inside a spell was cast over her that left her cold and hard, seathing with hatered, and a fire inside that turn her heart dark, and consume the very soul of any man foolish enough to turn his gaze upon her. This accursed spell was magical, and the great king knew it to be so, and so he hired to his court any number of wizards from far and near to break this great curse, but there were none who could break the magic spell, for there was no way known to break such a spell as this, for it was deep magic -- deeper than any magic ever seen upon this earth.
After years of her solitude, slowly, the royal callers, crowds, and dignitaries began to stop calling the men left the accursed castle and it's fair maiden, many having never seen her in the years they waited, and they walked away to find other more safe loves that were by no means love at all, for their great passion was still for the princess who stole away into the far night of the castles of their mind, while in body they were to love their respective wives. From that day to this not a single wife of one of those men had ever received the total love of their husband, for the deepest parts of his heart would be driven to madness by desire of the one princess he could never have. However, they were the lucky ones, for though she was locked away in the tower of her castle by the sea, she had seen more than a couple of the bravest and most fearless knights, but even they upon gazing into her eyes were stricken with terror at the evil they saw in the deepest reaches of her tender soul. From that day to this, they walk the streets, raving lunatics, drinking at bars till their feelings are dull and their swords so loose in their hands they can bearly keep it up straight. They terrorize the towns they were once heroes of, they too walk in darkness, for now even they share the princess's curse until it is broken by some deep, deep, deep magic that in no way is known to even the greatest of this earth's magicians.
So there the princess sat, seated upon a throne -- alone, wonderous princess of the north land by the sea, waiting for her prince to come and save her from the curse. She waited for a man to come and look into her eyes, deep into her soul and come back alive, to see more than the dark shadows and evil dreams that lurked deep within her but see the true beauty that is still buried deep down, underneath the curse that covered it with such choking force.