the dawn is breaking...

Tonight was a pretty wonderful night. I've come to realize that I don't mind being busy with students, in fact, I actually like it. That's beside the point though, tonight they gave us a preliminary farewell address at Youth Group. It was pretty good to feel appreciated by those little stinkers I've invested 3 years in. I've never done youth ministry before and probably won't do it again (who knows...) but, I can say with some great assurance that I've enjoyed my time doing it. There were tough times for sure, but the majority of the time spent with those students was as uplifting as I could have ever hoped. I only wish I could have given them more of me.

In other news, I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life... slightly scary, but I guess that's how the Lord works on these matters. To worry is not going to avail me much. This week I keep going back to when Boone and I went hiking in North Georgia on the Rabun Bald (pretty cool hike), and he reminded me of Matthew 6:24-25. He repeated the verses he had memorized and said, "You are in good hands... you have nothing to worry about." It was good medicine then, and continues to be a good word. For now, we keep on walking until the Lord tells us to turn.

So, I think the dawn is breaking through, I think the dark is on the run - I don't know for sure, but I think the Lord is waking us up.

I'll have some Raw Shea please...

I feel very mixed up right now with some of my feelings. I just found out that a Job I applied for I didn't get. Actually Mist and I both applied for it, but whatever. I feel raw right now, I'm almost in shock - I guess that's the best way to put it. This is one of those things where I don't know how to react, I mean on the one hand I've really been expecting this since we applied... but on the other hand, I have this (irrational) feeling that I've failed. So weird.

I know that the reasons I didn't get hired are not based on the merit of my life experience, schooling, or interview, but at the same time - I've been planning on this particular life direction for the last 6 years as the next step in my life, and now in one email those plans have at best, been put on hold... possibly dashed altogether. I don't know, there's just a lot going on in my head right now, and so much in my heart as well... but I don't know how to decipher any of it. It's like my head and my heart are standing right in front of me (metaphorically) and they're having this discussion that all at once seems really heated, and at the same time really friendly, but they're speaking in Hebrew and Greek (neither of which I understand). Every now and again I'll catch a word or phrase, but all I can tell is the emotions for the most part and those ultimately don't mean Jack CRAP!!

I don't know what to think.

I listened to the shower radio this morning and Dr. Lutzer was preaching on the life of Joseph (technicolor dreamcoat Joseph, to those armchair theologians more familiar with Andrew Lloyd Weber than Moses). At any rate he said, When we follow God we learn how to follow him in the dark too. He went on to make the analogy of the guy who has to get up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, but doesn't want to wake anyone with the lights, so he walks in the dark. If the fellow didn't make that trip hundreds of times in the light he wouldn't have a clue how to make it in the dark!

Dr. Lutzer didn't say this much, but I imagine that when that guy was walking to the sink in the dark, he probably stepped on an errant shoe or hit his toe on a misplaced chair, but he made it anyway. Maybe he was hurt on the way but he made it. I guess I've just felt like I've been in the dark for the last year, and when we decided on that ministry I thought to myself, "finally the light is starting to shine through and I'm seeing the dawning of a new day." Now it seems like the light was just a mirage, the dark is still overwhelming and God seems quiet; then again, maybe I'm just not listening hard enough.

If there is anyone reading this, please pray for Mist and I - please pray for the Lord to talk to me in a way that I can hear him; please ask him to open my ears.

"our boats collide; we feel the breeze.
We stay afloat and make the most of everything.
the sun would set, the stars would shine.
the trees would shake, we'd all feel fine...
Let's take the moon and make it shine for everyone."

Ahh... Get Up Kids, how I miss your music. Listening to the Get Up Kids is something that brings me some modicum of the comforts of home. I don't know why, but I have only good memories of their music. I probably saw them in concert 4 times over my more productive concert going years. I listened to them at a time in my life when I felt like I was in that nether world between making money, and having little to no responsibilities. They remind me of one of the greatest summers I've ever had.

It was a vacation summer; the last horrah before I committed myself to having a better life - something with meaning and purpose. The Get Up Kids remind me of the Sugar Shack, and hanging out with the Katie, Kristen, Jo, Amber, the Snow boys, Eric, Davin, Chris, and Chris. That was by no means an innocent summer, but it was memorable to be sure.

Well, that was then and this is now. Sometimes I'll wonder what the big difference between the Shea of that summer and the Shea of this summer will be. I'm pretty sure I'm more responsible, I got married, bought my first new-ish car, pay bills, work full time, and give up the fun things of life to do the things that need to be done. I hope I've gotten a little wiser in that expanse of time, but I can't really guarantee anything there. Spiritually, I've grown up too. My relationship with Christ hasn't made it through those years unscathed. Like most of my good friendships it too is scarred with the mistakes of my sin - but then who's isn't?

Anyway, this is just a time of reflection for me I guess. What have I done with what I've been given? If I die tomorrow what will my legacy be? What can I claim before the almighty Lord God? I hope the Lord would tell me that I've made his name great before the people of this world, I hope that somewhere down the line I've made the name of the Lord the standard bearer for the graduating students of colleges all over the world. Until that time, I have two classes, two weeks, and decent chance of actually passing them. To that tah tah until next time.

In the "That's what she said..." dept.

I know it’s nothing more than pubescent bathroom humor, but I’m just in that kind of mood I guess… A lady walked into the store today and went right up to the medicine ball rack. Normally I’d think nothing of it, but when I asked her, “Is there anything I can help you with?” She began tossing the 6lb medicine ball back from hand to hand and replied, “Oh… I’m just looking at your weighted balls.”

I did my very best to keep my giggling under my breath. I can only hope I was successful. Though, I must say... I do carry rather heavy balls.

8lb, 10lb, 12lb... I even have 20lb balls. What a day.

I can praise God even now.

I just saw that I could post in hindi, definitely an interesting prospect. Completely useless to me, but interesting none the less.

Today was a good day among a sea of crappy ones. Not very much good has happened all day, it's just been a good day inspite of it all. I've been down lately - stressed out over money during the summer, not having a job when we get back (feeling like I should have a job lined up), only having a grand total of 2000$ in sales at my current job, not knowing where I'm going to live, if I'm even going to pass seminary, and then whatever my wife is stressed out about goes into the pot too... just stressed out about a great many things, too many things.

I don't know if it was the fulfilling bible study we had last night, the auth mexi burrito I had yesterday, the one night house sitting job which happened to break up the humdrum monotony of my homework/study seminary stuff existence, the book I started reading and retained (which proves once and for all that I'm not functionally illiterate), the basketball game that I shot the lights out in, or if it was the quick little quiet time I had this morning. My guess it was the mexican food, but considering that was yesterday, it was probably my quiet time. Anyway, whatever it was (quiet time) it was exactly what I needed. It reenergized me, gave me a pep in my step for the day.

I still didn't sell anything all day, but I did get a lady who is interested in buying something. I didn't get all my homework done - though I did finish a discussion question for a class which had been plaguing me all semester. I didn't find out anything more about my future, in fact, I found out that I got a 59 on my midterm for OT! By all rights this should be just another in a sea of mediocrity. I should be set adrift in crap... again. But I'm not! I'm optimistic again.

Sure I got a 59, but at least now I know what I need to pass the class -- I finally have a mission again, something to shoot for. THink of what a challenge that's going to be I got 59% of a possible 25 points that's 14 some odd points that I got with only 75 left on the table. But I figured it out, and I really think I'm up to the challenge. When I found out the grade, the guy was like, "uh... well, maybe you can email the prof and ask what you can do to improve, or maybe he missed some of your answer sheets, doesn't happen often but who knows." Sam, I know. I knew I wasn't going to do well on that test... but that's ok. I can take ownership of failure just as easily as success, because that's what we do. We have to do that, or else we're likely to jump into a concrete pool with no water in between.

I'm a joyful man my friends, I'm joyful inspite of my circumstances... after all, I'm responsible for most of it anyway!

I can praise God even now. I can rejoice over what Good things he has done. He is my God and he did not forget me. He spoke to me when I called out to him, he sustained me when I was dry. I can praise God even now!