today is going to be a long day...

What an interesting day today has turned out into being, and it's only just begun. It is now 9:11 am and I've been up tossing and turning in my sleep since misti left at 6. I had an awful dream about Misti and I, that I just won't get into now, as a public Blog may not be the most appropriate place to air my concerns, but it left me not in a cold sweat, but just cold. I felt used up and alone, frightened in a way I can't remember being frightened like since I had that dream a month before we got married. I called Mist and I think I'm not as frightened as I was a little while ago, but I'm still snotty and I wish she didn't have to be at work right now, so I could really talk to her about it and not just write it down on some silly blog. I am meeting with Andy at 12:45 to pray about this though, and I think that's encouraging me a great deal.
I don't know if it's normal to feel this way, but I've missed my wife lately. Even when she's here she's been far away. She still laughs at my jokes and she still talks to me, but she doesn't get excited to hear from my heart, and if I'm really being honest, I think I'm afraid to tell her about my heart anymore, because she is so far from me. I think I expected big fights in our first year of marraige, I dont think I expected this protracted war of attrition. I'm glad we're going to talk tonight, because i don't know how long I can go on like this.
I have a feeling tonight's conversation is going to go something along the lines of, "I dont' think you're doing a good job of leading me spiritually, of challenging me in my walk with the Lord, and that makes me want to pull away from you." To which, I will swallow whole, feeling like an abject failure, and say, "How then can I help lead you spiritually, what do you want from me?" to which she will say, "you can't do anything to make me have a better walk with the Lord. I don't know shea... I don't know what you can do." From here, I will ask a series of questions to her, hurt though I am, and she will share with me something that's at the tip of the iceberg, but is all the further she can go. She'll cry with tears, and I'll cry without tears, crying deep in my soul to just once feel like I'm doing a great job at being a husband. I probably won't sleep well, because that's how I cry (externally), and in my insomnia I will be accused of the lies I've told myself for years, and which the slightest miscues of life scream and rail against me all over again. That's what I have to look forward to tonight. So, if anyone's out there reading this please pray for me tonight, I think it will be a long one.
Shea