I'll have some Raw Shea please...

I feel very mixed up right now with some of my feelings. I just found out that a Job I applied for I didn't get. Actually Mist and I both applied for it, but whatever. I feel raw right now, I'm almost in shock - I guess that's the best way to put it. This is one of those things where I don't know how to react, I mean on the one hand I've really been expecting this since we applied... but on the other hand, I have this (irrational) feeling that I've failed. So weird.

I know that the reasons I didn't get hired are not based on the merit of my life experience, schooling, or interview, but at the same time - I've been planning on this particular life direction for the last 6 years as the next step in my life, and now in one email those plans have at best, been put on hold... possibly dashed altogether. I don't know, there's just a lot going on in my head right now, and so much in my heart as well... but I don't know how to decipher any of it. It's like my head and my heart are standing right in front of me (metaphorically) and they're having this discussion that all at once seems really heated, and at the same time really friendly, but they're speaking in Hebrew and Greek (neither of which I understand). Every now and again I'll catch a word or phrase, but all I can tell is the emotions for the most part and those ultimately don't mean Jack CRAP!!

I don't know what to think.

I listened to the shower radio this morning and Dr. Lutzer was preaching on the life of Joseph (technicolor dreamcoat Joseph, to those armchair theologians more familiar with Andrew Lloyd Weber than Moses). At any rate he said, When we follow God we learn how to follow him in the dark too. He went on to make the analogy of the guy who has to get up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, but doesn't want to wake anyone with the lights, so he walks in the dark. If the fellow didn't make that trip hundreds of times in the light he wouldn't have a clue how to make it in the dark!

Dr. Lutzer didn't say this much, but I imagine that when that guy was walking to the sink in the dark, he probably stepped on an errant shoe or hit his toe on a misplaced chair, but he made it anyway. Maybe he was hurt on the way but he made it. I guess I've just felt like I've been in the dark for the last year, and when we decided on that ministry I thought to myself, "finally the light is starting to shine through and I'm seeing the dawning of a new day." Now it seems like the light was just a mirage, the dark is still overwhelming and God seems quiet; then again, maybe I'm just not listening hard enough.

If there is anyone reading this, please pray for Mist and I - please pray for the Lord to talk to me in a way that I can hear him; please ask him to open my ears.