Question for the week

My wife asked me tonight "where are you with the Lord?" This may seem like a very innocent question to be sure, but for some reason it was pregnant with all matter of importance. I don't know, it just seems to have caught me somewhat off gaurd. Where am I with the Lord? I don't know where I am. I know where I'm not! I know where my friends seem to be, and I know where she seems to be, and yet I don't know where I am.

This is a really disconcerting question if you don't have an answer, because the next logical question is "well, why don't you have an answer?" And now I'm really in a hole.

For starters I'm not sure I have the proper categories to understand what a productive, burdgeoning life with Christ looks like. Have I slipped in being intentional about doing the good things I do for Christ... yes. Have I been struggling and battling with the same sins day in and day out... praise god, no! Have I been consistently in the word? no. Have I been in the word at all? Hardly. Do I feel close to God? yes. Do I spend time daily praying? Not really. So where's my life in Christ? 1st gear, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, REVERSE.... I don't know.

I think something happened at seminary. I think in some degree it's not been good for me to be here. Somewhere between jacksonville and Chicago I lost my heart for the Lord. I don't know if I got tired of trying or if I just got bogged down. I do know I'm walking cautiously with the Lord, and I'm thinking maybe, my trust in him is wearing down like my brake pads, and that scares me. I guess you're not supposed to do this "comparing thing", (but I've seen myself do it anyway). I compare myself to everyone around me and I feel like I've lost touch with why I'm even here in the first place. They all know what they're doing and they love seminary and it's a wonderful life for them here and this is the greatest time of their spiritually mature lives. Me, I'm struggling to just remember where I last put my bible down at (not that actually even did more than pick it up, take it with me, and put it down.) much less read it daily and spend time in it! Is that what makes a thriving relationship?

Honestly, I feel like I've let my life become my bible, my scheduled activities my god and left very little of my memory to the Lord.

So where am I? I don't know... still. I know I'm moving forward (if slowly) and I know I'm not nearly back to where I was at 2/3 years ago. I guess I'm out of gear trying to shift into third, but having trouble with the clutch. I don't know if that makes sense... But it's where I'm at.