july 24

July 24th, 2006 – my dad’s birthday
My body is just on shutdown mode, and I could seriously take a nap right now. But, as a nap is not a feasible option I will write out my thoughts.
Shelby’s, I’ve missed this place. I’ve missed hoping for the best and not knowing what that may fully entail. It’s like being around the opening of a river mouth without a boat looking across the expanse and thinking to yourself, "I can do this. I can get across." Only to find yourself trudging through the middle of the river mouth looking across what seems to be an eternity of a river waiting on your first and last misstep, swallowing you whole into the blue depths of the awaiting ocean. Now, instead of drawing nearer to the shore with reckless abandon our hero hesitates in his jumps, he questions his ability to reach each rock and retain his safety, because no one wants to get swept up into the crushing ocean. Only doubts and fears are left to riddle the body of the confidence necessary to make the leaps of faith that just three rocks ago brought him to this lowly position. Feet seem like miles and the muscles are as tenable as the molecules of water passing below, by, and near his very feet. And that is precisely where I am at today. It’s almost like someone just took me out of the river temporarily so I could catch my breath (coming back), but now I’m going back.
I realize this isn’t the most optimistic view of my home base in Chicago and my time with my wife. Don’t get me wrong, I love being with my wife – she’s not the problem. I’m the problem, I’m missing... ahh... It’s tough to explain, I’ve got too much to think about, too many balloons in the air, too much demanding my attention and all of tearing my attention away from the very woman that I want to give it all to! Why is that something I’ve allowed to happen to me. When did I let my time spin so far out of control? Unfortunately, that’s not a question I have an answer to, what I do have, however, is an answer. It’s time to take my own advice and cut the fat before I get choked out because of it. No amount of opportunity or money should ever endeavor me to give up on loving my wife with the reckless abandon I began with. Do I know what I’m going to do when I graduate? Do I know what I want to do... what about what ‘we’ want to do? Do I know how I’m going to support my family through this last little bit of school or am I playing with fire and allowing myself to get deeper in debt without hope of finishing or being clear? Simply, I must say no. I just don’t know what I’m doing. After all, I’ve never done this before I’ve never given this much of myself. But what I have done is trust the lord to clear up the dark places in my mental picture. He hasn’t let me down yet, and I have no reason to believe he ever will – so I see this next rock in the river and none others, but that being what it is, I’m still going to press onward, charge forward, surge ahead of he crowd through dangerous waters. Why? Because that’s what my wife deserves... because that’s what the Lord has blessed me with, and because I Refuse to be a bystander watching the Lord pour out his blessing on the bold spirits who were willing to trust in him completely.